Tuesday, January 4, 2011

not sick enough?

I know i don't come here very often to post...i'm not doing very well.
I'm not sick enough to get help and i'm not healthy enough to do something to help myself.I hurt eveyone around me.I do efforts not to lose weight , but i'm not capable of gaining...so i stay at the same level.I'm going nowhere. They can see i'm not moving forward .
I was supose to go to a ''day hospital'' program in january and because at one apoitment i had gained a bit , they said that finally i won't have a place there before april! I'm not a priority anymore...
I don't even know why i do efforts not to lose if to their eyes it only means it's not urgent to help me.
I'm lost and i don't know where to go.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Seing is believing

I still have quite a hard time accepting that i am different than the image i see in the mirror.

I KNOW i'm thin because everyone tells me, because the doctors say i should gain weight, because i wear size zero pants and extra small shirts.
I KNOW i am beatifull because i have been told so,because I was asked twice to be in a modeling agency.

But i don't BELIEVE that i am thin and beautifull.I don't believe what they say, no.
When i look in the miror all i see is oversized thighs , floppy arms and  stiking out stomach.
When i look in the miror i see too small lips, a huge nose,dried up skin and puffy checks.

I don't see it because i can't believe it
And seing is believing.

Now the question is how can i believe it?

Flyleaf - I'm So Sick

A friends of mine shared this song with me a while ago.
I like to listen to that when im mad or about to explose!

Make It Or Break It Season 2 Episode 10 Part 5

Hey guys! just wanted to share with you this show i like...
It's the story of 4 gymnistes making their way on the olympic team.One of the caracters of the story becomes anorexic...heres the episode where she faints during a competition

Monday, November 29, 2010

Pictures of me

Here are a few pics of me so u can put a face on my name....

That was this summer on vacations with my parents...i'm just a bit thinner now.

Me now = 174 cm =about 5 ft '8'
109 ponds=49,5kg

That's me also this summer...

One of the last days i danced. I went over to a friends house after my classes and i hadn't eatin a thing...ahhh always makes the best pictures!

That feeling that i am powerfull and strong.The only time were i actually feel confidence and nothing can stop me because i am in control!
That feeling that i am beatifull, light and delicate as a feather.
Fragile yet strong inside...

I'll miss that...

Syrano : Ficelle le clip

A song i like

Ballet:David Kinsella Productions 4

Ballet :David Kinsella Productions 3

Ballet: David Kinsella Productions 2

Ballet: David Kinsella Productions 1

Anorexia in the world of dance

I thought it might be interesting to make an article about anorexia in the world of dance, as it will show you a bit where i come from...and what might have trigered my anroexia.

3 years ago i came across this documentary, wich i will share to you, about Perm state ballet school  in russia.The documentary is called << A Beautiful Tragedy>> . In this documentary , David Kinsella follow's the story of Oksana Skorik (yes it is her in my profile picture). For me Oksana is the proof that u can dance even if you have an eating disorder. Today she claims to be recovered of the illnes, but as you will see in the end of the documentary...she is still extremely thin.
I wish to be capable of stabilzing at a low weight and get the necessary amount of vitamines, proteins etc. to fonction well. I think it is possible because well of course to be a dancer you need to train ALOT , therefore you burn alot of calories...aproximativly 300 per hour.

Here are a few facts about russian standards:
The ''Ideal Russian ballet weight'' is your height in centemeters minus 127.
let's say someone who mesures 5ft 6...<<170cm-127=43kg>> so 94 pounds ,wich is a BMI of  15,2

unfortanatly the complete version isn't on internet, but you might find it at the library...that's where i found it.
Here is the site for more information on the caracter's of the movie http://www.davidkinsella.com/v1/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=32
I will post the video's after this article.

Welcome word

You can call me Stella :) I'm 19 years old and had anorexia for about 4 years now...it's hard to tell when it actually started. I was training to become a ballet dancer, it was ,and still is my biggest passion.
Dance is the only reason why i want to get control over my ED...

I had to stop dancing this summer, because my doctor was woried for my hearth, but i believe there is a way to go back to dancing and still have my anorexia if it is in control...

I wanted to create this blog to suport those who feel alone and misunderstood in their eating disorder.(PLEASE no ''wanarexic's'' )
This blog is also your's so feel free to tell me about you and let me know if there is any subjects u'd like me to do an article on!!

XoX Stella